Safe Recipes From the Filthy Kitchen

Archive for the ‘Cooking’ Category

Kwik Koffee

Posted by remistevens on March 15, 2011

Formed out of necessity, filthy kitchen delivers the 1st of many coffee recipes.

Jim Smetchland A-
“Holy shit, that’s not bad!! A little gross but it works. . .I just go to the drive-through when the machine breaks”

Posted in Cooking, Full Episodes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Branded Steaks

Posted by remistevens on January 30, 2011

All this hot January weather! Remi takes it to the BBQ.

Jim Smetchland’s Rating: C
“This was clearly unsuccessful. Clever editing builds pseudo cooking competency, Martha would be proud!”

Posted in Cooking, Full Episodes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Hot Dog Spool

Posted by remistevens on January 2, 2011

Pushing the limits of edibility, FK is back with a new full episode. 6 hot dogs fast, very fast. At some point this was requested, so its got that going for it too!

Jim Smetchland’s Rating: B
“Looks like clever, not so clever, editing to me. I don’t think you really ate those dogs!”

“This borders on useful” – Tamara

Posted in Cooking, Full Episodes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Quick Tip: Indoor BBQ

Posted by remistevens on November 21, 2010

Cold Weather is here! Now that you’re all bringing your BBQs inside. . . . .I am not Anti-Propane, do not believe the hype. Burning propane gives off water and CO2, there is no danger. A grill however burns inefficiently. The carbon monoxide that can kill you comes from the burning of crud, and grease and chicken and such.

Jim Smetchland’s Rating: C-
“If only this was reality TV”

Posted in Cooking, Quick Tips | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Full Episode: Pickled Lunch

Posted by remistevens on November 1, 2010

Everything you need for lunch in one place, you can even drink the brine as your beverage! Remi is glad to be back making full episodes again! Here’s a meal that’s packed to track! Pickled lunch: organize, consolidate, carry and consume!

Jim Smetchland’s Rating: B-
“Well, at least its back to cooking instead of all that other bullshit. Is that really how you pickle?”

“Also business is spelled wrong and the ratios given don’t make sense- 20 parts of salt!”

Posted in Cooking, Full Episodes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Multi-Tasking

Posted by remistevens on December 16, 2009

Alright, I know some people preach this as the greatest upgrade in efficiency since the mechanical man. Multitasking is pretty fantastic, but its position in the hierarchy of efficiency must be considered. If you multi-task poorly, you risk doing a crappy job of any of your particular tasks. But more importantly, poor multitasking can interfere with your efficiency and lengthen the time it takes to finish.

Walking Vending Machines!


Not sure if the coke vending robot is real, but It makes sense to me that the first robot walking on the streets would be a vending machine. Either vending machines or meter maids, they’ve both been on the streets for years just waiting to get mobile.


Wait, multi-tasking. Example: You need to make a call, clean some dishes and make a pizza. The call will take 15min, the dishes will take 30mins and the pizza with preparation time will take 60min. So long as making the call and washing the dishes don’t cause you to spend more than 60min overall, multitasking is welcomed. The trick is to finish the time crucial elements of the longest task immediately as they come up. Prep and ovenize the pizza, wash the dishes during cooking, make the call during dishes, pull the pizza out to cool at the 55min mark, eat on schedule. Sure you’re switching gears and that’s inadvisable, but in the pizza scenario it can be done safely and responsibly. The idiot who finishes up the call and the dishes first realizes he’s still got to wait another hour until he eats!

Computer ‘multitasking, you’re checking email while listening to music and downloading 30 movies. But, a computer is only ever actually able to do one thing at a time, it just goes back and forth between tasks so fast you can’t tell. Multiple processor computers are multitasking i suppose, but each processor only ever handles a single string of ones and zeros. Its all just switches people, everything in the digital world is made up of switches no more complex than the one you use to turn on the bathroom light. The monitor asks the processor to flip 2 million switches so it can display a pic of a rose, the mouse is asking for 60000 bathroom switches to be thrown so a right click can be registered, it goes on and on. . . .The processor’s inbox is a scattered mess, but it still doesn’t ever flip more than a single switch at once. Computers do not multi-task, they just switch gears unbelievably fast and efficiently.

Human Multitasking; are you really multing your tasks? Isn’t every task really getting done in a new manner and therefore being something other than what you’d initially set out to do? I mean, if you were to multi-task trampolining with going to the toilet, the two tasks intercede and you end up with an entirely new behaviour that is more than the sum of the two. The term works, sure, you are doing ‘multiple’ things. Not only that, both of the initial objectives are completed, you really did both jump and poop. But be careful, the tasks themselves change when you multi-task. Getting it all over yourself isn’t a common objective for going to the bathroom, nor is this standard trampolining procedure. To ensure he’s doing what he set out to do, a good multi-tasker must differentiate good and bad combinations.

Posted in Articles, Cooking, Non-Cooking | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

QuickTip: Chopping and Dicing

Posted by remistevens on August 19, 2009

Have a look at The Advantage of a Dull Knife for More on This Topic. The greatest part of this technique is that you will only dirty the knife and your hands. Luckily both can be quickly cleaned with a quick pant wipe. quick.

This method is also featured in episode #3!

Jim Smetchland’s Rating A+
“Ok this one works! Anything can be cut this way, and you have full control over separation size and almost nothing gets dirty. . . .Perfect, hassle free chopping and dicing. . ..but why not cut above a plate instead of a workbench with old cheese and raw meat?”

Posted in Cooking, Quick Tips | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Episode 3: Hamburgers with Bacon

Posted by remistevens on August 10, 2009

Ah the new kitchen, beautiful. Hoping this one will last me a few show’s worth, but we’ll see.

Did you notice. The Onion was put back in the “fridge” using fingers that touched raw bacon. Luckily that onion rotted and was discarded. He’s full of shit.

Posted in Cooking, Full Episodes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The Advantage of a Dull Knife

Posted by remistevens on July 17, 2009


Whoops! I slipped while cutting up an apple. No big deal though, luckily I was using a dull knife. Keep a sharp knife around, sure. There are some things only a sharp knife will do, but for everyday use you want the dullest safest knife you can find. I find cheap short serrated steak knives work best. You can get through pretty much anything with sawing, and its safe enough to use your own hand as a cutting board.

u19548223

Have a home riddled with children or animals? You certainly shouldn’t have sharp knives lying around in convenient locations. A knife should be easy to get at, but safe to keep where you’re keeping it. Those special knives you use to cut jack-o-lanterns are going to be perfectly harmless if your child or pet were to swallow one.

Separate a pair of $1 plastic safety scissors. Your get 2 great dull knives for $1!

b15659

If you’ve only got sharp knives, and have no budget for the above suggestions. You can dull your knife by altering the angle you use on your sharpening stone. Keeping the knife perpendicular to the surface of the stone while you sharpen will give you a flatter, duller cutting edge. Also, if you need to, your knife can easily be dulled in the same fashion against brick, concrete or metal.

Many people who’ve never been stabbed, mistakenly fear the sharp knife. In illustrations they always put that little star by the point of a knife to make it look sharp and menacing. You’ll find, however, that getting stabbed with a dull knife is actually more painful. A sharp knife can be in and out its victim leaving only a smoothly cut entry point- the dull knife gets a bit messy. Think how intruders might feel if they see you’re brandishing a dull knife- a seasoned criminal is going to know all about getting stabbed.

bxp47086

Other knifings you wouldn’t want a sharp knife for: bottle opener, balloon shaver, tooth pick, back scratcher, q tip.

k1345943

Posted in Articles, Cooking | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Episode 2: Cheese and Macaroni

Posted by remistevens on July 17, 2009

ugh, gross. I remember this one really sucked. . . .but its food.

Marcus asleep on a chair there somewhere, this was 4am-ish. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Cooking, Full Episodes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »